why me

Friday my brother asked to have a little get together (turned out to be 24 people) for spagetti dinner and a swimming party. All was fun, my brother jeff, and my cousin tom picked me up and lightly tossed me in the pool, and that was alot of fun.

We got out at midnight, and sat around the fire pit talking drinking beer and what not. then things went south (for me anyway). I was sitting behind my brother and this guy named brian coskey. jeff had these chips, that were ours he bought them for the get together. So i went to put my hand in the bag,

Before i knew it coskey turned arund and punched me in the nose. i dident get no apolagey, no opps, or even a my bad. Instead what do i get? "ive been wanting to punch that nose all night". AND if that wasent bad enough the dissabled jokes started. everything from me being ugly, to not having girl friend, no girl would ever want me, and then they start with the reason im a vergin is probally cause i cant have sex. why is it people assume that cause i cant walk i cant get it up, one has nothing to do with the other. trust me on this, as data would say "im fully funcational"

Anyway i told them all i dident need this shit, and nor would i stand here and take it, they could all kiss my ass. so i went to bed.

I woke up this morning and told my mother about she was a little upset. but my father took it way to far. "why dident you come and get me and i would have delt with hism" first of all whgat the hell am i gona do run to my parents to protect me. I am soon to be 24 years old. I may be dissabled, But im still a man, i have my honor and my self respect. I wont run to my parnets anymore Grown men dont do that sort of thing and i have my own dignity and honor , if its my fight then i have to fight it, nort someone else, regardless off the possable consequences it may mean to me

For got sakes, i mean there in there 20s. why the hell do they still have to make fun of me cause im different. for 16 years its been the same shit over and over, and mom said things would get better as people got older,. In my prospective thats utter crap, a falsehood.

And people wonder why im not a people person. why i cant go up and talk to girls or people in general. its because people have verballly and phisically and phsyicologially squashed any kind of hope or self confadence ive ever had. and still they continue :(

people also say that the evil people who do these kinda things to me will get theres in the end. well i wish there end would come sooner, so they could eperence the pain that they caused me ...........

i know wanting revenge is wrong, but i cant help it But havent i spent enough nights crying myself to sleep at night cause of fucked up people like this:(

Hector and E.T.

On Wensday

so i invite hector over to go swimming. sennce my over protective family members think some how or another there dissabled , (ut not paralized son/grandson, who can move and controle all his extremities) is going to some how drowned, wiht out someone watching me. its bullshit i swear to god im just as safe as every other member of the family.

but anyway back on topic

i thought having hector hear would mean that grandma wouldent be out there watching me and telling me i had to get out cause her bedtime was near, so hector and i went swimming for 2 hours. that was fun.

then him and i get out and talk outside till mom comes home from wor. come insde and watch the last 2 eps of star trek enterprise. that fine. i unintentionally got him hooked on enterprise before it was know this was its last season

we sat outside and talked some when his cousin calls his cell, 20mins later hes still on his cell and were out back. then all of a sudden at the far end of the property where there is no light we heard noises in the trees. hector felt uncomfortable and so did i, i reasured him it was cats and then his causin made a staement that its E.T. in the bushes

now you see everyone has these little quarks where u lok at them and go, your kidding me right. mine is E.T. he scares the shit out of me.

so when hector pointed his finbger and said "E.T. phone home" i grabed it with lightening fast reflexes and almost broke his finger, and i looked at him and said dont you EVER do that again

i believe in the whole ufo phenominon and aliens. that stuff where they can take u from ur room yea i buy that. i can handel all the aiens in star trek star wars stargate. but signs, and even some parts of close encounters of the third kind freak me the hell out. amd E.T. is the worst. i remember when i was 6 or 7 the grown ups would rent E.T. for the kids while they played poker. i kid u not i was afaid to clse my eys for three nights. fear id be taken without permission or wake up with something standing by my bed scarres the shit out of me.i havent sseen the movie in almost 18 years and if i ever see it again it will be to soon

laugh all u want. i know im not the ony one with a silly fear. i dont want no damn anal probe stuck up my ass. two words exit only

lighting does strike the same place twice

*sighs* today has sucked a great deal. not long ago did my grandfather pass away from heart problems. now it pleadges another family member, my uncle. and it feels like daja-vu. its a scary time indeed and words like open heart sergery is a word that brings back sad memories for us all. yet come some time next week my uncle will be going through a tripple bypass open heart sergery. i hope and pray all will go well. for him. i know i must think hopefull thoughts and let the past be the past. the past and "last time" has no barring on this time. expect the outcomes to be totally different, this is what i keep telling myself.

stuff like this scares me to no end. Ive been told being dissabled makes me a high risk patient for heart problems. since my grandfather passed i have been taking my health much more seriously.

I quit smoking oncee, i had it beat and the habit kicked. but going to the club and watching people smoke , and being made fun of by girrls, or getting punched in the face, cause me to say the hell with it and pick it up again, that leads us to today. i got the news about sead family member when i was woken up at 9 30 am this morning. at that point i had a ciggerett, but that was my last cigerett and that was also 7 hrs ago. withdrawls have set in i got the chills im tired and slugish. but its not as hard as the first time i quit

as mentioned in my blog before im also working out every day and have ben riding an excersize bike for the last 5 days

im tarafied of dieing cause of cancer or heart problems. it wont happen to me I wont let it happen to me. ive been in hospitals enough times for one life time. i sure as hell refuse to die due to any cause, other then old age and if the fates have any other plans to take me before im achant and senile then they can kiss my ass cause i aint going

I decide when and how its my time to die and how i die no other person or entity has that right this is my life and only mine, and i decide how the story plays out and ends......

stronger

have been lifting waights now every day foor the past 7 or 8 weeks. and it seems i dont know my own strigth anymore. things that took some evffort to achive now seem effertless. Conciously i know ive gotten much stronger, however im in the habit of apply the same amout of umph that i used to, now it sounds like im slaming things shut or tearing them off the hinges.

Im even wheeling faster then before and im leaving tire track/skid marks on the hard would floors. believe me when i say that ive never seen anyone peel rubber in a wheelchair, biut i guess thats what im doing, although im not doing it on perpose, sooner or later moms going to get pissed. and im going to vbe on my knees using my new found stringth to scub the marks off the dinning room follor :( LOL

on another front internally my system is changing as well. after only four.5 hrs sleep last night. i felt like i slept the whole day. granted i did take a bit of a nap, because what i was watching on tv board me to tears, and there wasent anything better on. usually 4.5 hrs sleep would make me slugish and useless . barlly providing me with enough stringth to do simple things like using the rest room. happally thoiugh it seems i dont have to worry about days like thoes any more if i keep working out.

as for my legs well 3 consecutive days riding a mile seems to have made mmy legs a little on the sore side. still though ive come this far i sure as hell wont quit now.

if papa could see me know he would be proud :)

star trek vs star wars

I dont know why but every so often this converstion come up of whos better star trek or star wars.

my question is why even try to say which is better, when there both 2 entirely different entities

star trek is the notion that humans in the future can put aside there petty differences. and by doing this can acomplish great thinngs like eliminate disease war and hunder on our own world

star wars is the clasic fight between good and evil. and how thin the line between the 2 actually are. starwars reminds us that we all have a little good an evil inside of our selfs and that its a daily struggle within ourselfs between the two. and its a battle that rages untill we take our last breath

Other then the fact that there are aliens and space ships they have nothing in comon

Star trek thechnology is based in the realm of possability, and or probabillity. its a message of hope that no matter the differences or the history anything can be over come. and that global peace isent just a pipe dream, it could vary well be possable

star wars deal more in relgion. and supernatural realities. the force is basically based on phsyic, telaconeases and precognition. these are the three main elaments that give a jedi there powere and there vary real. the idel that all life creates the forse is vary simaler to what native americans and wiccen.. pagens believe

so why do stupid people always argue whats best. first of all its not a compatition, they both were made from someone's mind to entertain the masses and they both have done that on a global scale.

why must one be better then the other, cant we just except the fact that both are equally good. and based on the persons prospective they may like one more then the other and thats fine. but dont start throwing around which is better bith sides are fans and there will be people on both sides who get upset when you start throwing around that one is better then the other

bottom line is. a persons time is there own what they want to do with it or watch is there buisness and not yours respect what they like even if u dont. cause how is likeing star trek more then star wars, or visa versa effecting you. its not so let it go

star wars ep 3 revenge of the sith

The only spoliers you will find here are what i like to call comon sence spoliers.(like if i were to tell you padme has twins and name the boy luke and the girl leia) something we all onw and have sice return of the jedi came out in 1983. Now i did make a few observations, but these kind of observations can change with another persons point of view, so u will be ok reading this.





Ok leme start oof by saying i got my tickets on may 5th and boy am i glad i did. otherwise i wouldent have gotten in for the midnight showing.

The people were awsome. all kinds of costumes. some say thoes people are geeks, well to thoes of you who say that i say this. whats the harm in escaping reality every now an again, dressing up is a way to do that, to be a part of something you enjoy, we could all use a little escape from reality. here is the kicker. thoues same people that think dressing up is stupid, most of them spend hours infron of a video game console doing then same damn thing, escaping reality for a little while right. so i say to each there onw, and no harm no foul

The movie

Special effects were great , and the story line is deep rich and thought provoking, which will be touched on in my next entry. thwere is alot of fighting , but i felt thge core of it was romance. the romance is what gave it depth for me.. only thing i dont like about the romance part is i cant feel any chemestry between christonson and portman. yes there acting but the key to being a good proformer is to not look like ur acting to us the audence. thoes two have bo chemestry in my opinion

the fights were awsome totally dark. . there were several instances where people dident have a chance of serviving making it a slaughter. like the killing of a bunch of 7 year olds, that thankfully wernt shown. and then there was the jdei who dident have a snow balls chance in hell.

Mow christonson and magrager have great chestry. you almmost want to yell at anikon and obi wan,"my god what are you doing for god sakes stop" but it wouldent do u any good :(. my probelm with the fight between thoes 2 there was vary little talking, and i would have thought or hoped that obi wan would have tryed to talk anikan trying to bring him back to the light, but no they jsut faught with vary few words exchanged, i was a bit dissapointed in that

The reason i was dissapointed u ask? simple when a person uses the dark side it drains from there life force changing and twisting there appearence. and anakins apearence would change and get deforemed starting with red and gold eyes. but then his eyes would go back to normale. i think the battle between good and evil within him was there from the vary beginning. And thats why during there fight i think obiwan could haave tried talking anakin back to the light, but he dident even try real hard. that was dissapointing

one thing for sure its not a kiddly flick theres some pretty grewsome effects decappatatons of heads, and many lims. and what happens to anakin that cvause him to dawn the vader suit, if u dont like violence dont see the movie.

theres no happy ending. and there were many times when my eyes welled up cause i just couldent believe what i saw. and i read all the poliers imagineable and played the ps2 game. and it couldent even come close to perpareing me for the emoational feel and the music. the whole gravity of the thing stunned me even knowing spoliers/

it quite possablly though ciuld be the best starwars movie of all time. but perpare yourself, cause after u see it and u leave the theater. your like "its over, ive waited for years and now its all over", it almost makes u wish u hadent seen it at all, and i felt the same way with the enterprise series fially last week jsut ten times worse

keeping busy/ randomness

I have been keeping myself pretty busy lately on perpose weather it be watching movies or going out these last feew days.

FRIDAY

I went to this new club it had one level which i really enjoyed, nice open area and such with tvs, easy to get around , and u could see where u were going. However the basement is was the compleate opasit. crowded cramped and dark. sadly this is where the rest of the people in the groupe wanted to spend there time. i got pretty shit faced (which was my plan all along). and then we went to dennys to have some food. after that we came home and i put my tired drunk ass to bed

Saturday

Woke up with a hangove obviously. I got on the net and watched cris's graduation online. it was vary nice, and no i dident know she was going to be onstage twice or i would have watched the whole thing :P. as it was after i say her on stage i got out of my chair. my ass was hurting . I then decided to put the last 2 enterprise epasodes into the vcr and watched them

God damn you upn for killing star trek one of the only remaining family friendly shows on tv. everywhere u look its sex this and sex that, and u take one of the only decent shows and u shit can it . oh i know its not just the net work. its the people who watch all theses sexed up shows instead of of decent porograming. u know shit like desperate housewives. you people who watch that shit and ur teenagers watchj that shit. and then u wana bitch and complain when kids are having kids. well no kidding dumb ass this is what happens where every show on tv today uses sex for ratings. . and u people out there that watch these sexed up shows are facilatating premisquity

so in review the people at upn are cock suckers. amd the people that like to watch these rauchy shows r just as bad . i wouldent have a problem with it if so many people wouldent complain about sex on tf, and then thoes same people watch the damn shows anyway. hippacrits

star trek was more then flying through space and meeting new races, and fancy effects IT was about equality for all regardless of race skin color or ability. something hopefull that this world could use now. with the war and so many harte crime going on now adays. BUT no what do they do, they take off a show about hope peace an understanding. and the replace it with a show about the slut and the worthless drugy A.K.A britney spears and kevin federline.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE U PEOPLE THINKING

does anyone really care about thoes two worthless shit bags come on now

Sunday

I decided to begin phase 2 of my excersize progranm, and went and purchased an excersize bike. thats right im trying to make myself a stud. but not for girls. im doing this for me for my helth for my futuyre for my self of steam. to prove that i may be in a wheelchair but im as handsome and sexy as any man that can walk on two legs, (if not more so)

and if thoes girls that wouldent look at me before that styart looking at me when im ripped i swear im gona just look at them right in the eye and say

" you know before u wouldent look at me when i was an average guy in a wheelchair. and now because im all buff you want to talk to me. Well do us both a favor cause im still the same great guy i always have been. only my apearence has changed. now u wana talk to me cause now i fit ur sterotypical ideas of what makes a man good looking , well get lossed cause i dont want anything to do with you"

revenge is a bitch and all these girls who gave me dirty looks cause of the wheelchair will be eating there words in a few short months. except i wont get conceeded im going to remain true to myself . a good decent down to earth man. and thoes that felt i wasent good enough for them will be sad when they realize the kinda man they missed out on

Today

the reason ive been keeping busy and maybe apear to be a tad bit upset . today one year ago my grandfather died. and ive been trying to keep busy so i ddent think about today or how he was in the hospital fighting for life 3 days prior to the day he died, making this whole weekend hard. I miss him a hell of alot and though ive tried to remain busyy so i dont think about it, it hasent worked vary well. you know i figured a year would be plunty of time to not be sad anymore. but what do u do when that year was so busy and it dosent seem like a year. but just a few short blinks of an eye.

I know hes in a better place. i justr mss him.there has been a feeling of lonelyness sice he passed. he understood what it was like to hace cerebral polsey for he had it to, althought not as bad as mine . but atleast there was someone in my family who understands what its like. and i cant help the fact that i feel alone in some ways that i dident before. when he said i coud do something it ment more to me, i believed him more then anyone else. because he wentr through the things i have and he did it. where as someone else can tell me i can do something and its like "how the hell would they know there not in this body they dno what its like"

i looked up to him vary much and still do and theres not a day that goes by where i dont think of him.

i love u papa will see one another again i promise :)

the news triggered this rant

so i just pulled up to the dinner table when i heard on the news

"one of our merians carring presadent regans cascette has died in iraq. his parents got the news on mothersday which also happend to be there 24th wedding anaversery"

my stomach did a flop and and for no apprent reason i just started to cry, in a hurry i went to mute the damn tv. when the war started i knew here would be sad stories like this one. I KNOW ITS UNAVOIDABLE. but every god damn day its the same fucked up shit

Ill be the first to tell u even being american myself. that we have our noses in everyones buisness it shouldent concern us inless were attacked (which probally wouldent happen if we minded our own fucking buisness in the first place.) the hell with trying to police other counteries. were in irag because we assumed they had weapons of mass disstruction, well let me tell you and any one who reads this blog, asumptions are the mother of all fuck ups america needs to watch out for american.

But no what do we do, we go after sadam, sure he is an ass. but why should we fight him and the insergents for the iraqies, LET them fight for it. we alteast faught the british and then later got help. but atleast we fought for our freedome. but not the iraqies "if we fight agenst sadam they kill our families" i have two things to say to that... 1 better to die on your feet then live on your knees, and 2 so what. i would sacrofise my family for the future of perhaps hundreds of generations of my countryman. families are improtaint yes. but to quote ambassador spock "the need of the many out way the needs of the few>" which means this. 20 odd family members or the freedome of millions of country man for generations to come. Afrter all its been said for many years you appreceate things u get for your self, then you do things that r given to u on a silver platter

and bush. hes trying to empose democercey on conteries that dont want it. hitler was trying to do the same damn thing. if counteries wana be demacratic fine. but we have no right to try and bring it to there door step, so the only difference is bush isent trying to commit genaside. but hes still forcing his countery political system on other people, when obviously they dont want it, this makes him a dictator in my book, along with any other presadent that attempts this, past or future

why the hell are we dealing with irag, bin laddin is still out there, korea has the friggin nukes. korea to me is a hell of a bigger danger then iraq.. if we should be doing anything its trying to stop korea form killing everypone on the face of the earth. whos the bigger threat here.

bottom line, america needs to watch out for it self. other counteries wana fight let them kill eachother, why because america needs to worry about it self. humanitarian aid food water im fine with that, fighting someone elses war, trying to poliece the world gime a brake. these actions of ours thinkin we know best is whats going to destroy us in the end :(. america unfortunetly is coing to be the cause of its own disstruction

our people need to come home NOW. its there country let them use there blood to get freedome, and if they wont do it i guess they dont want it bad enough then do they

Please note i hold no malice to our brave men and women givng there lives i hold it towords our leaders. who are to god danmed afraid to pull out and admit they were in over there heads this time,

and anyone who wants to comment on this feel free to do so as long as ur mature about it. ill be more then happy to listen to and respect your opinion all i ask is that you do the same for me

current events

Ok so thursday i went out and got what some might call my geek fix

I bought tickets to the first showing of starwars (midnight on the 19th) along with the video game and soundtrack. my brother tled me in to buying some stupid shit for the PS2 also

And last night was poker night. though i dident win anything i dident loose that much eather. there was one hand inpaticuler that i should have had. the pot was up to almost fifty bucks. only to loose to my father on his vary last hard. there were 2 other hands like that one where i had to stay in only to be beaten by the luck of the cards

all an all it was a great night, fun and enjoyable. i must not be used to drinking as much as i used to cause i drank only a littlke more then i usually do and woke up with a tiny hangover. which is thankfully gone. and tonight is a stay at home nigh

As for mothersday, well what ever mom wants she gets. i feel sorry for all the people who want to go out to eat tomorrow. i took my mom to dinner last week cause i dident wana go through the resteraunt crowed that mothers day cause. i avoided that by going a week early.

enjoy the 3 hour wait for your tables. *LOL*

this past weekend

OK so saturdays poker night was cancelled. good thing to i get to save some money this way. still though i had a wonderful evening

Sunday i took my family out to a nice dinner as an early mothers/fathers day gift. it was vary nice and enjoyable. after ddinner i came home and watch the kings game, and although they lost the game, and quite possably will loose the series everything is all good.

i have a good feeling about the next couple of days. we shall see how it turns out :)

an update

wow ok so its been a while since ive bloged. where to start

My health is better then its ever been. Ive started lifting waights, and ive been adding more red then waight. and after four weeks i can already see a hudge difference in my upper body and the way i feel about myself:). soon ill be getting an excersize bike and an ab lounge. im serious about getting in shape this time, i want to show people the this frog is actually a prince and always has been

The friend mentioned in " the sexes" owes me salot of money. on top of that for getting pulled over he has lossed his liesence and owes 1,000 bucks. see what happens when u listen to the head in ur pants and not whats above the sholders. his life it practically in ruin and i cant help him any more then i already have. A person can only do so much

I also went and got a tatoo, its the symbol of the klingon empire, and yes i wear it with compleat class and honor. i dont make it look like it belongs to some thug thats not my style, everything i do is done respectfully and classy

The moist coolest thing is ive gotten back intouch with a friend who i hadent seen alsmost 2 years. shes came online during her spring brake and im vary happy to see her and hang out with her. :) it feels great to be in the componey of someone who is a truely remarkable and amazing person. i hope she can stick around for a while. :)